I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

She was not the still quiet type. Aphrodites never are.

Hillary Clinton is only talking about families who come here in violation of the law. We will treat everyone living or residing in our country with great dignity. So important.

All artists are vain, they long to be recognized and to leave something to posterity. They want to be loved, and at the same time they want to be free. But nobody is free.

Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing-sicknes s, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death--can take that love away.

What is the cheapest to you now is likely to be the dearest to you in the end.

I'm sold as a literary writer in Holland; I'm sold as crime fiction in England. I think of it as just literature.

Others may know pleasure, but pleasure is not happiness. It has no more importance than a shadow following a man.

The situation comes first...the characters...come next...[then] begin to narrate.

He rides pleasantly enough whom the grace of God carries.

My rage is not malicious; like a spark Of fire by steel inforced out of a flint It is no sooner kindled, but extinct.