I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If you think the reason you exist or go to school is just to satisfy your selfish ambitions, then you are of all men most miserable

Do little things as if they were great, because of the majesty of the Lord Jesus Christ who dwells in thee.

Costs merely register competing attractions.

No compliment can be eloquent, except as an expression of indifference.

The nerd flavor of masculinity has overwhelmed the macho kind in real-life power dynamics, and therefore in popular culture.

Let's turn British inventions into British industries, British factories and British jobs. Let them make pounds for us, not dollars marks or yen for others.

Man is a means for turning things into spirit and turning spirit into things.

We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advice, and despise them who do.

Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer.

Upon his royal face there is no note how dread an army hath enrounded him.