I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If you don’t want to regret your life later, then begin to invest your time, begin to measure your life. Measure your life by the products and by the results you produce!

Today is a sacred moment.

Never trust anyone completely but God. Love people, but put your full trust only in God.

When a wise man points at the moon the imbecile examines the finger.

A woman gains status when she refuses to see anything killed to be put on her back. Then she’s truly beautiful.

The heart in us is deeper than any emotion or psychological issue.

One of the most misleading representational techniques in our language is the use of the word 'I.'

I have never used steroids. Period.

I love the idea that all genres can have subsets.

They're still in good shape, but I'm not flashing them anymore. I'm an old lady. I leave all the flesh to the kids.