I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

It is easy to die, ' replied the bannik. 'Harder to live.

I've always had a certain facility with words.

If you fall down, get up and walk again. If you can't walk, crawl. If that idea fails, have another one It doesn't happen by accident. It takes a lot of hard work.

Communists have no respect for people, only for positions.

Normal children often pass through stages of passionate cruelty, laziness, lying and thievery.

Marriage must perforce fight against the all-devouring monster of habit.

Consumers view of you is not about how they compare you to other banks. It's about how they compare you to all of the other businesses they experience.

Oh, you can't describe someone you're in love with!