I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Many Texas barbecue fanatics have a strong belief in the beneficial properties of accumulated grease.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Perhaps we've time to have a look at the Number Thirty-One bus queue before we turn in.

I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions.

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

Truth is, we don’t get grace. But it sure can get us.

It is easy to tell the toiler How best he can carry his packBut no one can rate a burden's weightUntil it has been on his back

Let me share my loving care upon those who are not my children — yet, willing to see me as their Father.

Everyone's life is a page in the human history irrespective of the position he or she holds or the work he or she performs.

The worst of all hobbies are those that people think they can get money at. They shoot their money down like corn out of a sack then.

I still look forward to doing things I've never done before. But the fear beforehand is always worse than the actual moment.

If you wish to get hold of the invisible you must penetrate as deeply as possible into the visible.

The Roman Pontiffs have always...held that all those rites should be preserved which deviate neither from accuracy in matters of faith, nor from what is fitting.

The little pig began to pray But Wolfie blew his house away. He shouted, "Bacon, Pork, and Ham! Oh what a lucky wolf I am!" And though he ate the pig quite fast, He carefully kept the tail till last.

Don’t stretch yourself too much with a mortgage. Buy within your means. It’s not worth the sleepless nights.