I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

So many people say that obviously my game has changed since I arrived here and I say that it's good that it changed, otherwise it would show a lack of intelligence.

This ultimate fighting stuff is something I don't agree with. Once a man is down, you have to let him have a chance to prove how good he is.

We obtain things when we no longer want them.

My parents went crazy when they found out that I had gotten the part in 'Conversations With My Father!' I'd never given acting a thought. They were proud of me and very encouraging.

Sometimes all you’ve accomplished by the end of the day is to have maneuvered your body through space without grave incident.

He wandered into the Newsroom and asked for a job the same way he’d walk into a barbershop and ask for a haircut, and with no more idea of being turned down.

We imagine people as animals or gods. -But she was just a person, a girl.

People don't like talking about it, but if you're Spanish, you feel a weight.

Then you came along and helped me believe in myself again.

What makes me cry? Anything bad related to my kids. The world.