I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The Lord is the strength of my heart.

A plant-based diet is like a one-stop shop against chronic diseases.

Can you even imagine not hugging?

Sometimes when you're fighting, fighting, fighting, the mind needs some time off and you regroup and get back to normal.

A person is no more & no less than the Story of his Passions & Deeds.

Initially let your food do the talking. You'll be surprised how far you go in a short period of time.

I went and got a tire tool out of my truck, and straightened him out as cold as a block of ice. It was an attitude adjustment, and it'll work every time.

It humbles me, but it doesn't humiliate me.

If you get a lot of good feedback from people, thats a sign that you have a strength or gift in writing, if not ... try singing.

I've always had a desire to play a cop or FBI agent.