I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Real life is messy, inconsistent, and it's seldom when anything ever really gets resolved. It's taken me a long time to realize that.

An exceptional future can only be built on the transformation of the mess I’ve made, not the elimination of it.

It was important to have a similar energy in my performance. To make the character too different would have just been about my ego because it didn't need to be drastically different.

I think that's my nature, to want to bring people together rather than to try to bombard them into agreement.

I have some state secrets I will take with me to paradise.

God passes through the thicket of the world, and wherever His glance falls He turns all things to beauty.

Why, if there is alphabet soup, do we not have punctuation cereal?

Many count on their disadvantages to cover for them.

It s easier to impress someone than to give them pleasure.

Can one drown in one's element... If fish can drown in water, can human beings suffocate in air?