I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

The gate is narrow but not the life. The gate opens out into largeness of life.

Tonight I have nothing to do but to dream and hope.

Children are angels in exile, so close to God. They haven't had time to separate from Him.Ali

Maybe next time you'll take me up on dinner." "I doubt it, Mr. Holbrook. I'm pretty sure hell will freeze over first." Again he smiled. "Well, that may be happening sooner than you think, my dear.

Will dissent be permitted? The answer to that question will determine whether the society is a free society or a fear society.

All my life I've had the privilege to make my living with my imagination, and the most important thing has been to see my creative life grow. I was educated to do that and have lived accordingly.

The controversy was that Chad Dawson thought he was in an MMA fight and not a boxing match.

A genuinely happy person is one who has rendered others happy.

There will be a perfect flow of energy in whatever you choose to do, and there will be a grace and power present in all of your movements.

I feel very strongly that a film isn't just a story, but the WAY that a story is told. It's why I am such a great fan of Hitchcock because it really is all in the filmmaking.