I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

This book is all about helping you get your name and message automatically posted online by others.

I have not yet begun to defile myself.

By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.

I feel much safer with girls, so I felt more comfortable kissing her in the movie than kissing any of the other people that I had to kiss.

Remember to connect with people now and then. In fact, pick up the phone, right now, and call a friend for no other reason than to say hi.

Hopefully I can inspire lots of people to learn about [Patti Smith], to read poetry or learn about William Blake or Arthur Rimbaud.

A thing is a thing, not what is said of that thing.

To emphasize style is to slight content, or to introduce an attitude which is neutral with respect to content.

Maybe there were people out there whose love could survive anything, but mine was fragile. It needed to be nurtured in order to thrive and grow.

The creature born is the creature dying.