I never met a cold cut I didn't like.

You know you're big when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

I don't eat vegetables. I only eat food like cheeseburgers, Spam, hot dogs and pizza.

We didn't have steroids. If I wanted to get pumped up, I drank a case of beer.

I have no ax to grind. I was lucky. I played. How many guys play high school, college football never play pro football?

The two saddest moments of my life were when my mother died and when I was told I couldn't play football for the Colts anymore.

He runs like a camel. A really pissed off camel.

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.

Well the frog men finally got Rosie.

The only weight I ever lifted weighed 24 ounces. It was a Schlitz. I always replaced my fluids.

I went to college to play football, not to study it.

At the fall, we became alienated not only from God and other people but also from ourselves.

Secrets only ended up hurting other people.

Hatred of enemies is easier and more intense than love of friends. But from men who are more anxious to injure opponents than to benefit the world at large no great good is to be expected.

One has to be foolish or irredeemably stupid to believe that anything good can come to Europe from the land of presumed opportunity.

Improv Everywhere tramples the lines drawn between spectacle and spectator, theatre and real life, public and private, performance and protest, and reclaims the streets for ordinary people.

No executive has ever suffered because his subordinates were strong and effective.

The miser is as much in want of what he has as of what he has not.

Numbers have life; they’re not just symbols on paper.

I am looking for the novelists whose writing is an extension of their intellect rather than an extension of their neurosis.

Misery loves company, and madness calls it forth.