I never set out to do a sketch show.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines.

The challenge for the entrepreneur is to find your passion and make fear history.

I set for myself only small goals, goals that are not that far away.

Judges are appointed by and with the advice and consent of the Senate. And it is our duty to ask questions on great issues that matter to the American people and to speak for them.

Law is the ultimate science.

Energy is food. Most people on earth feed on each other's energy, all of the time, seven days a week. The more energy you have, the more interested parties there will be in having lunch.

The most important function of education at any level is to develop the personality of the individual and the significance of his life to himself and to others.

Make him [the reader] think the evil, make him think it for himself, and you are released from weak specifications.

You now have the least amount of time you've ever had, to do everything you've ever wanted to do. Enjoy your life. You only get one