I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I am powerful in my love for myself. My inner essence sparkles with bliss.

It's never a good day when an ancient demon shows up on your toilet bowl.

No one can replace you to do what you are destined to do until you totally fail it and leave an empty gap that God will fill.

The American people need to know the truth. The American people need to see the truth. In a democracy, letting the people know the truth is the essence of what it means to be free.

It is important to express oneself...provided the feelings are real and are taken from you own experience.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

It’s my brain. I know exactly what I have to do, but if I’m not using my brain, I’m not doing the things my coach is telling me.

The soul is not more important than the body. God made the whole man and the whole man is important.

If any one say that he has seen a just man in want of bread, I answer that it was in some place where there was no other just man.

People would rather be praised than criticized but the later may help us make more progress.