I never thought I'd be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The '80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.

I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've heard of it.

I hate all generalisations.

Everybody at the party is a many sided polygon....Nonagon!

No single man makes history. History cannot be seen just as one cannot see grass growing.

anchor, v.: I drift, I drift, I drift, you stay.

No great truth bursts upon man without having its hemisphere of darkness and sorrow.

A master passion is the love of news.

Our God is so wonderfully good, and lovely, and blessed in every way that the mere fact of belonging to Him is enough for an untellable fullness of joy!

I'm disappointed by bands left and right, every day.

Believe me, I have better things to do than sabotage your friendships. No one else's world revolves around you, Cassandra." -Paige to Cassandra

The leader is a teacher who succeeds without taking credit. And, because credit is not taken, credit is received.

I've got a different perception now and it's really enjoyable to be at this point in your life and be able to watch this.