I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Nothing stings quite like an unanswered text message.

We are the Bibles the world is reading; We are the creeds the world is needing; We are the sermons the world is heeding.

I wonder more and more just where I may have come out if I had never seen Harvard Square.

What ever we embrace eventually reveals the place we have been seeking.

Life holds so many simple blessings, each day bringing its own individual wonder.

I think it is very important in this business to be an individual

Ego is the immediate dictate of human consciousness.

Diesel engines do not emit enough carbon monoxide to kill anybody.

There is almost no evidence that diagnoses such as 'schizophrenia' and 'bipolar disorder' correspond to discrete entities ('natural kinds' in the language of philosophy).

Skillful listening is the best remedy for loneliness, loquaciousness, and laryngitis.