I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

The future is greatly different than your life now, the actions that you take must also be greatly different. You cannot do the same thing and get something different.

It means that I love you and you love me until forever, Mama. Just like Jesus. Right, Mama?” “Yes, sweetheart. Until forever I will love you. Always remember that, Ethan—until forever.

Trust isn't something that's spoken and love's never wrong when it's real.

It’s not God that I don’t accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return him the ticket.

Shooting is very challenging because 10 metre air rifle you have different rules, short gun you have different rules.

Troops of heroes undistinguished die.

This was too much. "I refuse. I absolutely REFUSE to be an onion.

At the time I perceived most religious men, particularly the pastors with all their talk about love, faith and relationship, as effeminate.

The simple act of commitment is a powerful magnet for help.

If I'm lucky, in a month from now, best-case scenario, I'm managing a Cinnabon in Omaha.