I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense.

Pain cannot be ignored. However, it can be endured. When necessary, a great deal of pain can be endured. Just ask my mother.

Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it's enough.

No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

The Aly loafer is our modern take on the penny loafer with a subtle slit across the top. I wear loafers with everything these days- skinny jeans, long skirts and dresses.

If you desire to be good, begin by believing that you are wicked.

I want the same one, the way she always is, without failures, without fights, without bad memories.

Denial: my family heritage. If you don't ask the questions, the truth will never inconvenience you.

You can't jump to vegan if you're not. Some people are absolute. Some people are able to be gradual.

Disfranchisement is the deliberate theft and robbery of the only protection of poor against rich and black against white.