I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.

He's definitely one of those men you love before you get to know.

Four times I was honked at for having the temerity to proceed through town without the benefit of metal.

The size of the army, absolutely. It's getting too small.

A man can laugh while he suffers.

If you are not already dead, forgive. Rancor is heavy, it is worldly; leave it on earth: die light.

To no man make yourself a boon companion: Your joy will be less but less will be your grief

Courage and confidence are what decision making is all about.

Do you not know how uncontrolled and unreliable the average human being is in all that concerns sexual life?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.