I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I know it's me that needs this moment. Your hand to hold my heart still cares. A thought I will hold when I wake in the morning, when I turn to you and you're not there.

Your eyes, ears and mind are imperfect in front of magic.

My dear friend Jimmie Dodd was the heart and the soul of The Mickey Mouse Club.

Expediency therefore concurs with Nature in stamping the seal of its approval upon Regularity of conformation.

The attitude of the leader affects the atmosphere of the office

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.

Work divided is in that manner shortened.

Democracy is only an experiment in government, and it has the obvious disadvantage of merely counting votes instead of weighing them.

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.

Love's reason's without reason