I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I threw my hands in the air and said show me something.He said, "if you dare come a little closer".

Money is not my definition of success

A writer is the one who loves to write . . . on and about anything . . . And this clears that I am a writer!!

Everybody has an addiction mine happens to be you

It's very hard to write music for a film because you're writing about somebody else's experience.

"Women," he said in disgust. I wasn't sure whether we was referring to me or nuns.

Building a dollhouse is a lot like writing a novel because you are God of the Universe.

If it's just fame for the sake of being famous, no one even cares about you - and you don't even care about yourself because you're like, "This is so ridiculous."

Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

To the extent America abandons Israel, it abandons itself.