I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Movies are one of the bad habits that have corrupted our century. They have slipped into the American mind more misinformation in one evening than the Dark Ages could muster in a decade.

When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life.

Bad people drink bad beer. You almost never see an empty bottle of Rochefort tossed onto the side of the road.

I certainly couldn't run a big country house, nor could I organize the greatest show on earth.

The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.

I used to love comic books, and I love American comedy, and neither are afraid to tackle big themes.

None of the people watching 'Big Brother' will bring you chicken soup if you get sick.

When a man appreciates only eating and sleeping, what excellence has he over the reptiles?

This is no world. It is God Himself. In delusion we call it world.

When I was young, I dreamed of playing for Ajax and Arsenal. Both dreams have come true.