I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.

If you tell the truth, then you don't have to have a good memory

Your son went into your kitchen and took a kitchen knife.

Beauty fades, dumb is forever.

The time to change was yesterday; the time to wake up is now.

"Beauty fades," my father would tell me, "but dumb? Dumb is forever."

Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work, and it annoys the pig.

If you are trying to balance the scales of justice and equality in all your work relationships, you're going to come up short.

I couldn't give a rat's tutu about your emotional distress

Don't make a cemetery of your life by burying your talents.

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Some way some how i'm going to be happy i'm going to laugh i'm going to prosper, i feel good that i remain positive thru these mess up times!!!

Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke risin' against that blue sky? Did you shout out in anger, in fear of your neighbor or did you just sit down and cry?..

For critics, as they are birds of prey, have ever a natural inclination to carrion.

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.

And by the Sacred Parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of The Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs

I focus on the individual and not seeing this great big monster, "the press."

Nobody can deny but religion is a comfort to the distressed, a cordial to the sick, and sometimes a restraint on the wicked.

Every woman thinks herself attractive; even the plainest is satisfied with the charms she deems that she possesses.

People say the truth hurts. Hell no, it hurts even more if you do a whole bunch of foolishness to try and avoid it.

The feeling of accomplishment welled up inside of me, three Olympic gold medals. I knew that was something nobody could ever take away from me, ever.