I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

One reason your wife might not trust your decision making is because she feels as if you don't spend time alone with God or she feels as if your decisions will only benefit you.

Sanity is an illusion. Created by the minds of people who fear the wicked.

What makes old age so sad is not that our joys but our hopes cease.

Good roles are hard to come by, and whether they're a few lines or a lead, you snap 'em up when they come along

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

How potent is the fancy! People are so impressionable, they can die of imagination.

There is a fine line between optimism and delusion. I cross it often.

You cannot expect your children to be happy eating esoteric beige-colored foods when their friends get soda pop, Snickers, and Twinkies.

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.

you don't need to be better than any one else you just need to be better than you used to be