I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

It is impossible to live without brains, either one's own or borrowed.

My mother never really thought I could become anything.

The secret of tango is in this moment of improvisation that happens between step and step. It is to make the impossible thing possible: to dance silence.

I especially love French, Italian and Japanese cuisines.

Although the term dialogue was really a euphemism for scientists trying to kill each other, this format worked very well.

The only thing which separates man from child is all the values he has lost over the years.

If you go out for a drink, you go out for a drink. You don't think, 'I'll have a few pints. I'll piss up this shrine.'

Make up your mind, Snail! You are half inside your house, And halfway out!

Death is a punishment to some, to others a gift and to many a favour.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.