I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If you keep doing things that don't matter to you, you will not have time to do things that really do.

Wisdom is not in intelligence but in simplicity.

God has written us a book, and now we have the opportunity to respond with our words and actions.

Man is so made that if he is told often enough that he is a fool he believes it.

I didn't know your identity, but I had an impression of who my opponent was, being surrounded by things you made.

There is but one thing that can free a man from superstition, and that is belief. All history proves it. The most sceptical have ever been the most credulous.

I thought what I'd do was I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.

A true life lived amongst the people is in itself an object-lesson that must produce its own effect upon immediate surroundings.

God is the source of Light and Life and yet He is above and beyond all these. God is conscience.

An individual step in character training is to put responsibility on the individual.