I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I am in revolt against the age-old lie that the majority is always right.

Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back.

WheneverI look backTo the artOnce I cravedI wanna punchSquare in faceIf only I'm allowedTo do so...

There is no pride when it comes to survival, only determination.

Life's objective is life itself.

No story is devoid of meaning ... If you know how to look for it.

Philosophy became a gloomy science, in the labyrinth of which people vainly tried to find the exit, called The Truth.

Relationships are like bubbles – they’re fragile.

One of the main weaknesses of mankind is the average man's familiarity with the word 'impossible.

Was it worse for him, Reynie wondered, to have felt loved and then rejected? Or was it worse to have always felt alone?