I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Pleasure is very seldom found where it is sought. Our brightest blazes are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.

If you value a man's regard, strive with him. As to liking, you like your newspaper - and despise it.

By the time I was 19, punk had occurred. It had a completely different cultural dynamic to it which rejected everything and started again from the year zero.

Every book is a box of ideas.

The rabble also vent their rage in words. [Ger., Es macht das Volk sich auch mit Worten Lust.]

Standing is harder than moving.

What you have carried in your mind about the world is what you will see around the world. What you carry in your mind about your life is what you will see in your life.

I feel God when I find myself in a situation which spontaneously opens me to the larger reality that exists all around.

You can laugh at my behavior that will never bother me, say the devil is my savior, but I don't pay no heed.

Once people start introducing animal products into their diet, that's when the mischief starts.