I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Ethics is a dream.

Laughter is the best medicine.

My boarding school experience was the only thing I had strong enough feelings to write about for hundreds and hundreds of pages. I can still smell the formaldehyde of the fetal pigs in biology.

If there was a blog with five listeners or viewers, I had to be on it. Now I have to be on fewer media, but more substantive media.

Tenderness and respect-never selfishness-must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife

I'm not saying I'm number 1, oh sorry I lied.. I'm number 1,2,3,4 and 5

The only really interesting thing about someone that makes you want to explore them further is their heart, and Miss Honeycut has a teeny tiny pea-sized one and it takes you nowhere you want to go.

And I have written three books on the soul, Proving absurd all written hitherto, And putting us to ignorance again.

Instead of creating a reason why you cannot love the world, try to create a reason why you should and must love the world.

Lord, for the erring thoughtNot into evil wrought:Lord, for the wicked willBetrayed and baffled still:For the heart from itself kept,Our thanksgiving accept.