I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

And a woman needs a man to protect her from other men. Well, women used to. . . . Things have changed. Women are in the middle East, fighting and protecting men now.

When a blind man carries the lame man both go forward.

New Hampshire is one of the birthplaces of American freedom and independence - a place with a love and a passion for liberty.

You know, once something freezes, it's solid. That's the key to the arctic - they didn't fear the cold, they made use of it.

Becoming an entrepreneur was the furthest thing from my mind. I actually had an identity crisis when I realized I had become one.

Politicians have to make unpopular decisions. Schwarzenegger is going to understand the nature of his job. I wish him good luck, he's going to need it. It's going to be difficult for him.

To convince oneself that one has the right to live decently takes time.

A sucker don't ever catch on. A smart man don't ever sleep. He's got to keep ducking the traps.

As brain functioning becomes more and more integrated, consciousness - the mind - becomes more and more invincible, and then any dictate of the mind is immediately followed by the body.

The right dose differentiates a poison from a remedy