I played a practice round with Hubert [Green] the other day, and when we got to the ninth green, I heard a fan say, "Why does Hubert have two caddies?"

Golf is a diabolical game. It's easy to make fun of something that's so bizarre, so painful, so humiliating... yet so joyous.

When the going is good and the putts are dropping, you love your putter. When it's going bad, it's like it has betrayed you and you want to throw the sucker in a lake.

Golf is tougher than my first wife.

Complacency delivered us into the hands of evil greedy men like Cheney.

Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes.

Most people have the wrong idea about me because I've been very private.

We have got to extend the hand of friendship, we have got to take the peacelines down brick by brick

Many of us prefer to live in places abandoned by humans. Less work for us. Detroit is very popular.

With a mini series you can give the story a proper sense of pacing, a proper sense of closure.

Our vanities differ as our noses do: all conceit is not the same conceit, but varies in correspondence with the minutiae of mental make in which one of us differs from another.

Shall Nature, erring from her first command, self-preservation, fall by her own hand?

Whenever you hear a politician carry on about what a mess the schools are, be aware that you are looking at the culprit.