I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I've always loved science fiction. I think the smartest writers are science fiction writers dealing with major things.” – Associated Press interview, 12-7-11

And there you stand-Far away from the distant reality, Far away in my breathing dream, Far away in the traces of my livid eyes, Far away in my hostile fantasy.

You have worked too long in the life, now its time for heroism.

In a free society the state does not administer the affairs of men. It administers justice among men who conduct their own affairs.

Take part. Contribute. Be interested in everything and everybody.

If something's going wrong with this planet we'd better fix it here and not look for some sort of escape.

Clothes are functional but that doesn't mean they're not a form of art. They're just another way to express creativity. It could be film, it could garment.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

People acquiring a second language have the best chance for success through reading.

Startups don’t fail because they lack a product; they fail because they lack customers and a profitable business model.