I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Fresh is best.

Mr. Sagunuma: We can never escape who we are. Instead of wasting time worrying about it, why don't you cut to he chase and love yourself?

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

A man of science doesn't discover in order to know, he wants to know in order to discover.

You can disguise any set with lights and shadows.

Live your life as you see fit. That's not selfish. Selfish is to demand that others live their lives as you see fit.

You know, Leonard Cohen is amazing, just a mastermind, and really one of the great geniuses of our time.

Yes, for most people nowadays television is their only contact with the world beyond their work.

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.