I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

Nothing makes us so beautiful as our smiles.

People whose dancing have brought joy to our hearts are born once in a century. We had MJ.

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree

In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows But my sorrows they learned to swim

I’ ve always been a fan of the basics. After you have a good solid foundation of Jiu-Jitsu, the rest comes by instinct. You create, invent. The rest is easy. The difficult part is the beginning.

Some politicians like to kiss babies. I like to kiss the baby's mommas.

All any girl needs, at any time in history, is simple velvet and basic diamonds.

A lot of my buddies enjoy the writing part or the studio part, and I love the live show part. That's the reason I got into all this, to play keg parties and bars. I still love playing live.

Focus on being grateful for what you have already .. enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.

I've worn it to church before. Camouflage and the other clothes.