I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

It is up to you to cultivate your field of mind in order to grow golden crops.

Art is the whisper of history, heard above the noise of time. Art does not exist for art's sake: it exists for people's sake.

Positivity of Life and Negativity of Mind cannot exist together. The more you keep on adapting the positivity into your mind, the more beautiful your world will become.

You can't miss the horror, every moment it’s interesting.

Stressful jobs, loveless marriages, bad food-most people kill themselves slowly every day.

Dead people are all on the same level.

Lead me, Zeus, and you, Fate, wherever you have assigned me. I shall follow without hesitation; but even if I am disobedient and do not wish to, I shall follow no less surely.

If we had to say what writing is, we would have to define it essentially as an act of courage.

I've always dreamed of having a year-round haunted house.

I don't think much about my physical body going off into the long, green fairways of heaven to play golf.