I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.

Inevitable is not the same as immediate, Sieh--and love does not mandate forgiveness.

Songwriting isn't always something that's directly proportionate to the experience.

What the hell do you want to work for somebody else for? Work for yourself!

British Beatitudes! ... Beer, beef, business, bibles, bulldogs, battleships, buggery and bishops.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I don't have a social agenda. I just don't choose to ignore what's in front of me.

I've always had a tendency to push the envelope as far as it can go without hurting someone's feelings.

I think that after Church got his Ph.D. he studied in Europe, maybe in the Netherlands, for a year or two.

People don't really understand who I am. They always think that I'm very dark or depressed, but it couldn't be further from the truth!