I pretty much live on my tour bus.I do well around 300 shows a year. A lot of times I will do two shows a night.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

Her shut-eyed smile transformed itself into something else: the smile of someone brave and knowing, someone whose pain had made her wise.

So, we eat again. Well, perhaps the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere, but I would certainly put on a few pounds.

Sometimes 'Hmm' is the wisest thing to say.

I wouldnt be the same actor if I couldnt do theater.

My three best friends get me through everything: I need cute jeans, my kids are driving me crazy, I'm throwing a party, whatever. They keep me dialed in.

With the Cubs, they've gone so long without a World Series championship, they wanted to win every day. I want that too, but I didn't feel comfortable.

Words are like eggs dropped from great heights; you can no more call them back than ignore the mess they leave when they fall.

There is hardly an activity that a person can think about that does not intrinsically involve energy, most of which is currently provided by fossil fuels.

Practice with the obstacle, always with the obstacle, and seek combinations.

There's a lot of crappy music that people like, you know, all over the world, and Norway is definitely not an exception.