I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

What a shame. One loses so much when one can't forgive.

Don't allow life to pass you by because you are afraid of [looking] stupid.

We will never be more than we are meant to be!

I was only an aspiring dictator. I was never a real dictator.

A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Love is wonderful to have. True love is hard to find.

My cause was justice, not vengeance. My work is for a better tomorrow and a more secure future for our children and grandchildren.

When I go in there, I'm not going in there to win. I'm going in there to fight!

You are an over-excited little man, with a need for self-expression far beyond the scope of your natural gifts. This is not discreditable. Neither does it make you an artist.