I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

maybe, beauty, true beauty, is so overwhelming, it goes straight to our hearts.maybe it makes us feel emotions that are locked away inside

Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.

I have never supported white supremacism but I read this [this description of me] in the papers.

It is good to be charitable; but to whom? That is the point. As to the ungrateful, there is not one who does not at last die miserable.

I think people have been really receptive to understanding that I've grown up and the music's going to sound a little different.

The best way to make Communists is to put the Americans into a place where there were no Communists before.

I had the evidence that a crash did happen... I ask [you] this, were you there with me? Did you have the clearances? They can't answer these questions, they simply criticize with no evidence.

One day Time will die And love will bury it

Public offices were not made for private convenience.

Reality in strong doses frightens.