I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Deep down, nature is inherently peaceful, calm and beautiful. The universe as a whole is perfect. The chaos is on the surface.

After the first few readings in comedy venues I did begin to write for laughs. There's something so gratifying about stimulating laughter.

With the advent of Trump Tower Live, the campaign's new nightly broadcast, streamed over Facebook, rumors are once again, swirling of a potential Trump media empire to be launched after the election.

All it takes to become an Artist is to start doing Art. By living a life full of Art, we may achieve an Artful life.

Don't tell us about dreams – dream dinners aren't any good and we can't share them.

The best way to send information is to wrap it up in a person.

Comedy is underrepresented in every actor's life, because it's so bloody difficult to write.

Acting is kind of brutal.

If you do not know where the mushroom products you are consuming are grown, think twice before eating them.

A bad song, the three best singers in the world cannot save it, and that's the bottom line.