I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

All I need is a sheet of paperand something to write with, and thenI can turn the world upside down.

I WILL FOLLOW ANYONE... AND REMIND EVERYONE... OF THE FATE OF NEGLECTED YAZIDI CHILDREN

If the career you have chosen has some unexpected inconvenience, console yourself by reflecting that no career is without them.

Genius is patience.

If you're in a car crash, you're mostly involved in trying to not go off the bridge, and later on you say, 'Oh my God!'

I dare say you will try to make me believe that Editors are human. Now I deny that, for I myself have, in past days, had evidence to the contrary.

In reality, however, an artist is a product of art

What are we at the park for except to win? I'd trip my mother. I'd help her up, brusher her off, tell her I'm sorry. But mother don't make it to third.

I was in high school when Will Ferrell was first on 'Saturday Night Live', and I remember thinking, 'Man, that guy is the funniest guy ever.'

We need a complete ban on soft money, which is sort of an enveloping problem, and a ceiling on the amount of money that can be spent on a given race.