I raised another shot. "That sound you hear is the heads of moral conservatives spontaneously exploding in the distance.

You're so very good at that. The temper, the scowl. You must drink shots of testosterone in your morning coffee.

Leandros's favorite place had turned out not to be vegetarian, but vegan, which was for people who preferred their suicide slow.

Pooh hater,' I muttered under my breath. 'Winnie-the-Pooh was not a koala--why am I even arguing about this with you?

We all have our security blankets in this world. Some are just sharper than others.

There are a lot of truths in this world. When it rains it pours. It's always darkest before the dawn. He who smelt it dealt it.

Look at the ex-demon with his big boy pants on now.

You're the little spoon, aren't you?

Pick up your clothes. I am not your maid. How do I know this? A maid cannot kill you with a tube sock. I can.

Why is it always the world? Why is it never just half a block? Or Jersey? You know, something we could live without?

People--stupid when they lived; potentially stupid when they died.

You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.

I learn as much from a turtle as from a religious text.

Bikes and planes aren’t about going fast or having fun; they’re toys, but serious ones.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

A father is very miserable who has no other hold on his children's affection than the need they have of his assistance, if that can be called affection.

...she refused to leave anything to someone else that she could do better herself.

My singing, if you want to call it that is merely another medium of expression. Just an instrument I play. That's how I see my voice.

I'm the only nerd with a piece of paper.

Enjoyment stops where indolence begins.

Advertising always corrupts the goal of the search engine, which is to try to give you the most important stuff, not the stuff someone paid there to be there.