I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

I am a part of all I have read.

It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.

There is nothing quite so comforting like being part of a community.

I think I'm getting very high marks on foreign policy. I noticed that over the last couple of days.

We can never be certain of our courage until we have faced danger.

Love is selfless, it is a weakness, a giving in, a constant falling.

The rich are happier than we are, and should be.

I love playing a dad. It's hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.

Once you decide to gut a fish, there's no use waiting till it rots.

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird.