I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

I wonder if anyone but me realizes what goes on in that head back of your deceptively sweet face.

Once you have known sorrow, you will appreciate happiness.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

I don't like to travel as much as I have in the past, but it's good for my soul to get to pick, especially with these good musicians and these guys that play so well.

There is merit without rank, but there is no rank without some merit.

Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change

Like every actor, you get notorious for maybe one role and then get offered a lot of similar roles.

Joy in one's work is the consummate tool.

Consult the wisdom of your heart as well as your mind.

Great teachers will never be able to make up for bad parents, nor should they be expected to.