I really enjoy being a dad, and maybe I took it too seriously, but I love being around my kids.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

Collaboration is about “team work.” It’s not a cliché, it’s a practical reality.

Very few USA citizens realize that the USA corporate military is regarded by many to be both a domestic and international terrorist organization.

U.S. officials never expected that 'we were going to open garages and find' weapons of mass destruction.

It's just hard to have a nuanced discussion with like a thousand people, 30 of which are white-power skinheads.

When people get more me, they'll hate me.

Forgiveness has its comforts, but it can never give you back what you've lost.

To me, it's just that social media is allowing people to be in charge of their own narratives.

On hearing the news [of being awarded a Nobel Prize], a friend who knows me only too well, sent me this laconic message: 'Blood, toil, sweat and tears always were a good mixture'.

I'm going to make more money than I need in any outcome.

Live well, Ichigo. Live well, age well, go bald well, and die after me. And... if you can, die smiling.