I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

Virtue must be valuable, if men and women of all degrees pretend to have it.

A government cannot be premised on the belief that all persons are created equal when it asserts that god prefers some

Where there are so many, all speech becomes a debate without end. But two together may perhaps find wisdom.

I might accept immortality, if I had to do it. But I would prefer - if there is any afterlife - to know nothing whatever about Borges, about his experiences in this world.

If you can pinpoint the moments in social media that are really negative experiences, those are the ones you can cut out. And when you do, you recognize how much better your life is.

I can't concern myself with how viewers feel.

It is wonderful, if we chose the right diet, what an extraordinarily small quantity would suffice.

When a whole nation is roaring patriotism at the top of its voice, I am fain to explore the cleanness of its hands and the purity of its heart.

Life is messy, Ren. It's not easy and it's definitely not for the timid. Everyone has a past.

Fezzik's in trouble, bubble bubble, His brain is just not in the pink, His mind is rubble, rub-a-dub double, Because everyone needs him to think.