I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

I think it's time that we all be there for the children, to learn from the ones who came before us, and to teach our sons and daughters to have respect for themselves. Break the cycle.

If you've had a happy childhood, nobody can take that away from you.

A social entrepreneur is somebody who knows how to make an idea reality.

Widespread caffeine use explains a lot about the twentieth century.

Too much apology doubles the offense.

For every bad there might be a worse; and when one breaks his leg let him be thankful it was not his neck.

So George Burns and my grandpa took me to my first baseball game.

There's less pressure to look good as you get older.

For my part, getting up seems not so easy By half as lying.

Nature never writes a blind hand.