I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

To follow a passion is to be consecrated

It is always about discovering what, hidden, does not lie on the paper.

My tale doesn't end there, for the end has yet to be written.

Don’t you think every face tells its own story? Like a book? More like a poem. If you study it long enough, you’ll soon find its meaning.

Criticism is only words about words, and of what use are words about such words as these?

Nature is the master of talents; genius is the master of nature.

Just because you didn't speak the facts out loud didn't erase their existence. Silence was just a quieter way to lie.

Tolstoy's so-called inconsistencies were a sign of his development and his passionate regard for truth.

I am always going to be true to myself.

The foolish think the Eagle weak, and easy to bring to heel. The Eagle's wings are silken, but its claws are made of steel.