I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

The Adventure called and I followed with my thumb like a character being written by an intractable author. Which, of course, I was.

I think Ken should grow some balls and tell Barbie to piss off, " Matt said after Ashley waved an accusing finger in Darren's (leg-puppy) face, then stomped off to a table beside a window.

As the twig is bent the tree inclines.

If I'm honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all.

I am glad that I do not have any children.

A holy life is in itself a wonderful power, and will make up for many deficiencies; it is in fact the best sermon a man can ever deliver.

I wanted to show that an African-American artist could make it in this country on a national level in the graphic arts. I want to be a strong role model for my family and for other African Americans.

Increasing your self-esteem is easy. Simply do good things and remember that you did them.

My feet are like something from another age - prehistoric and troll-like. I keep expecting them to talk, they have that much character.

Zappos is a customer service company that just happens to sell shoes.