I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Can a woman not walk with her possessions down the street of a city?

Love without conversation is impossible.

I'm fine with the life I have.

Sleep is for squares.

Bring the best of your Authentic Self to every opportunity.

There is definitely going to be another financial crisis around the corner because we haven’t solved any of the things that caused the previous crisis.

Relativity. Gravity. Quantum. Electrodynamics. Evolution. Each of these theories is true, whether or not you believe in them.

You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love. Or you can start speaking up.

Dead was the gift that kept on giving. Dead, like diamonds, was forever.

In harvest time, harvest folk, servants and all Should make, all together, good cheer in the hall Once ended the harvest, let none be beguiled Please such as did help thee, man, woman and child.