I remember I was in music class, I was a senior in high school, and my music teacher was like, "You should be a stand-up comic, you could imitate anyone.

Lobster is not going to be as tasty with ice tea unless that ice tea is from Long Island.

My dad always said to go for my hobby and used to commend me for my excellent judgement so i try to do the similar for my children.

In my day we used to have pray to run into an ex looking great, but now you just post a selfie in your underwear.

God did not put you on this earth simplest to be any person's mom.

I thought that unless people know me, they wouldn't find me funny.

My music teacher told me that she didn't even know why I was going to college - I should be a stand-up.

The most important thing as a comic and a creator is to have a robust standpoint.

Old, is it?" the man asks."Yes, very.""Pre-war, is it?""Yes, " I say. "If by war you mean the Norman invasion.

You must resist negative thoughts, negative criticism and negative influences.

Deep inside of you is a 'Guru' with the wisdom of the entire Universe!

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas.

NOSTALGIA IS A WEAPON

There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth.

Many people are so poor because the only thing they have is money.

I play with a fear of letting my team down. That's what motivates me.

Don't underestimate yourself. You are capable of more than you can ever imagine.

Of course, individuals are responsible for individual actions - the pilots who flew over Pearl Harbor and dropped bombs on those ships did a terrible thing as part of an attack on a military base.